Love’s a bitch: I was almost a sister-wife

This is the story of me and my first ever boyfriend Roland, taking place in the fall of 2007. Shortly after I turned 11 years old.

I had known Roland since Kindergarten, and before this time never really had that much interest in him.

I narrow down my lack of interest to two reasons: I was extremely tall for my age, and he was extremely short.

I probably towered more than a foot over him, so I think I never noticed him because I could never see him.

One day in mid-October the class got new seating assignments and I was placed right across from Roland.

I remember looking down into his deep, dark brown eyes, and thinking “wow, I think I love him!”

The only problem?

He already had a girlfriend, who was also one of my best friends Rachel. And another girlfriend named Hannah.

This little fucker had TWO girlfriends, and you bet your ass that in the moment that I realized we were meant to be together, so did he.

A few days after he had become my desk buddy, he asked if I wanted to be his third girlfriend.

I was so excited! My first real boyfriend!!!! Because all boyfriends in the sixth grade are so serious.

The first few days of our relationship were like a high school movie relationship in my mind. We even held hands!!!! So scandalous!!!!

Around the fourth day of our relationship, Roland had told me that he wasn’t able to come visit me during recess because he had to go hang out with Rachel, or as he put it “my number one girlfriend.”

I was devastated.

I figured that he had left girlfriend number one and two once he realized how great our relationship was!

I was even planning to go to the school dance with him! Not that I had told him that, but how could he!

After recess that day, I rounded up girlfriend number one and two, and we approached Roland at the shoe racks.

We told Roland that he had to choose one of us and that we weren’t all going to be his girlfriends anymore.

He was so scared I actually think he may have peed a little bit. Can you imagine 3 angry women who are all at least a foot taller than you coming up and shaming you for your actions?

Pretty badass, right?

Now before I move on, I want you to take a guess to what Roland said after this. What did this playboy pull out of the air to say to the love of his life (me) and his whores?

“Ladies, ladies, calm down. There’s enough Roland to go around for everyone.”

I immediately laughed. Thinking that this heart-breaking comment was just a joke.


Girlfriend number one and two both stood their guard, however, telling him that this was his last chance to choose.

I was confident that I was his choice, and held out my hand for him to take, while we left girlfriend number one and two in the dust.

But instead, he grabbed girlfriend number one’s hand, looked me dead in the face, and said, “Sorry Kristen, but you’re girlfriend number three. No one ever chooses girlfriend number three.”

Girlfriend number two and I were so upset, we both ran to the bathroom crying.

Later, girlfriend number two composed herself and went back to class. She was nowhere near as heartbroken as I was.

Eventually, my teacher came and found me weeping in the bathroom. She joined me on the floor next to the sink, clearly trying to hold back her laughter.

I told her the whole story and went into complete breakdown mode.

Suddenly my teacher stood up, dusted off her knees and said, “Okay Kristen, it’s time to get up. You’ve cried enough.”

Wiping away my tears, I stood up and followed her to the empty gym.

Once we got to the gym, she went into the supply room and brought out a bag of dodgeballs. She lined them up on the floor, put the bag down and looked at me expectantly.

I was very confused.

We had already had gym that day, and all of my classmates were doing math homework.

She handed me the first dodgeball and told me to throw it as hard as I could. I gave it a pathetic, sad, little throw, and she told me to try again. I eventually made it down the line of balls, each throw stronger and more impressive.

After I threw the last ball, my heart was beating so fast I could barely stand it.

She walked right up to me, grabbed me by the face and said, “Any boy would be lucky to have girlfriend number three. They’re all just too dumb to see it. Now let’s get back to class.”

I nodded and followed her back to class with a skip in my step and my head held high.

Once we got back to class, I sat down across from Roland with a big smile on my face. He leaned over and apologized for hurting my feelings.

And do you know what this little bitch said?

“It’s okay Roland. I always liked Cody C. better anyway.”

And he hasn’t said a word to me since.

Don’t fuck with girlfriend number three.

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