Love’s a bitch: my first love

I’ve had multiple people since I started this blog ask me, “why don’t you write about your current relationships,” “are you with anyone? It would be so fun to read about it,” “you’re always talking about your exes, any current boys in your life?”

By multiple people, I mean four, and one of them may have been my mom. Get off my back ok?

My reason for not writing about my current relationship prospects is that I don’t need my writing to be defined by my love life.

If you understand the point of this blog at all, you’ll understand that I’m trying to break barriers beyond having a man, and him being my entire life.

Now, do I have a man in my life?

Yes. Well, kinda. This is a complicated question and I’m not prepared to talk about it right now.

God, you’re pushy today.

At the end of the day whether or not I have a man on my arm doesn’t change me as a writer or as a woman.

My success will not be determined by a love story.

The only reason I use my previous relationships in my writing at all is to give perspective as to who I am, and how I got here.

I refuse to be anyone’s #relationshipgoals, and I refuse to reduce myself to a relationship.

This blog is about me. Not about me and the person I’m kinda sorta seeing.

Good, I’m glad we got through that with minimal damage.

Like I mentioned before, I do think that all of my past relationships have helped to make me who I am today. They don’t define me, but they have shaped me.

So, because of that, I think there are some stories worth telling.

For making it this far, I’ve decided to write a little bit about some of my failed relationships. Particularly the ones that ended on a note that will allow for comedy and didn’t completely shatter my heart.

We can talk about all the men who have thrown me to the curb another time.

I think a good story for today is to talk about my first true love, Chris, the boy who taught me I didn’t need a man to feel like I’m important.

This might be a weird thing to write about because I am still very much friends with Chris on Facebook, and our moms are still very much best friends.

Either way, Chris, I’m sorry, but you had to know that our childhood drama would come up sometime.

I met Chris in Kindergarten. I came to my first day with my mom in hand, and I think fell into the cutest little crush at first sight.

I actually remember the first time I saw him as if it were yesterday.

There he was, a skinny little five-year-old with pale white skin, blue eyes, and white hair. In retrospect, he kind of looked like Anderson Cooper, but to me, he was the cutest boy I’d ever met.

I instantly had a crush, and of course, avoided him as best as I could.

I was five, it’s not like I was ready for anything serious.

But fate wanted us to be star-crossed crushes because as I already mentioned, our moms became best friends.

This meant that we had to spend ample amount of time together, and I was on top of the world.

We got to hang out every day at school, and at least once a week either at his house or mine. Our activities ranged from playing with his wrestling action figures, drawing, playing outside, and from time to time, playing house with my barbies.

My little crush had morphed into a type of friendship, which was a really great accomplishment for mini-me.

My mom even claims that she thinks she once caught us kissing in my room.


I legitimately have no memory of this, but who knows? I’ve always been a bit promiscuous.

But then, as our love had finally begun to blossom, Chris had to move to a different school.

And in all honesty, I don’t remember caring that much.

Maybe I knew deep down that our time wasn’t over, or maybe, I just didn’t give a shit.

We drifted apart for quite a few years, mostly because our parents realized it was more fun for them to hang out without us, and because this was before the time where kids in elementary schools had cell phones.

We didn’t speak again until we were in the 8th grade when Chris finally got Facebook.

It was like a ghost from my past!

I was so excited, I immediately added him, and then got his cell phone number and his MSN id.

WOW. Those were the days.

For about a week, Chris and I were messaging/texting non-stop.

We spent a lot of time catching up, talking about our days, and staying up way later than we should on a school night.

It was like we were 5 again!

Now, I can’t confirm or deny whether or not I was starting to feel the feels for Chris again at this point, mostly because I’d like my pride to remain intact.

But I can tell you, he seemed to be feeling the feels for me.

It was such a change, I didn’t know how to react!

I allowed the flirtatious conversations to continue, mostly because I liked the attention, but it never went past that point.

We’d again fallen out of contact, this time it was a little bit sadder, but I honestly had other boys to chase.

Quite a few months went by before the subject of Chris came up again, but this time was for a much more serious reason.

That motherfucker decided to date my best friend, Tia.

As much as this BROKE MY FUCKING HEART* I decided to be a good friend and support my two friends in their relationship.

*Note: Not really. I was fine, and just being dramatic.

So much so that I was even a third wheel on a date that they had, and went over to his house so that she too would be allowed to come over.

While I was at his house, I sat in his mom’s office and watched youtube while they made out on the floor behind me.

Because we were only 13/14, this seemed like it would be a relationship that would make it through anything. Those who make out while the love of their life/best friend is in the room, stay together. Right?

Well, they did not, and because I was so invested in their relationship, their break up stood to be a very complicated time for me.

Do I side with my best friend forever? Or do I side with the man I think I might love, but will never tell?

Well, let’s just say that it took me all of five seconds to choose to back up my girl over some boy.

I realized in this moment that I’d rather support my fellow lady than go after some boy I didn’t really like that much anyway.

If it was true love, I guess I really missed my opportunity and could have saved myself a lot of heartbreak over the years.

And while Tia and I may not be best friends anymore, I’m still glad that I was there to back her up.

This set up a lot of the foundations for my future female friendships and taught me a lot about what it means to have strong, independent women in your corner.

As for Chris, he seems to be doing pretty well from what I heard from his mom and my hate for him has faded into a number of heartfelt memories that I hold very dear in my heart.

I do wish him all the best in life, and wouldn’t be opposed to reconnection one day. Time will only tell.

I wonder if he regrets not dating me or thinks he missed out on an opportunity.

He did, but I really don’t have time to care about that.

I’m much too busy being amazing.

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