I’m not sorry that I’m not sorry

Before I talk about how sorry I’m not, I thought it would be a good to say how sorry I am.

When I first started this blog, I was really excited to work on something that I felt passionate about and I got really amazing feedback on the first post.

But then, I got sad.

In the process of leaving my family and some of my best friends, coming back to school, moving, starting a new (and at times difficult) position, and having to go through weeks of mental health/suicide/sexual assault training, I lost all of my excitement for this project.

I felt that every time I tried to write something, it was either too sad or just didn’t feel like it was ready.

So for that, I am sorry.

But now I’m back, in full bitch mode, and ready to probably (and unintentionally) offend some people.

Let’s talk about the things I’m not sorry for.

I am not sorry for being honest.

I feel that this is the thing that most often has caused me to be associated with the word bitch.

For most of my life, I have had no problem speaking my mind, or being honest with people about what I feel.

In middle school and high school, this caused me a lot of problems by the way.

This goes hand in hand with being as opinionated as I am, but we’re gonna talk about that another day.

I have a personal policy that if you ask my opinion on something, I’m going to tell you it. I will not hold back to spare your feelings and I will not tell you what you want to hear. If that’s what you’re looking for, I recommend you ask literally anyone else.

This kind of situation always goes one of two ways:

People get really upset and somehow blame you for their shit, even though you have nothing to do with it at all and honestly do not care about it that much.

OR

People are actually grateful and think that you’re awesome for being honest and love you.

There is no in-between.

Obviously, I’m partial to the latter but, I don’t actually care all that much at the end of the day.

The problems really start to arise when I speak my mind without being asked.

Okay, I get it.

No one likes when you point out their flaws.

They especially don’t like when you point out their flaws without them asking you about them, or never having brought them up before.

It’s been a while since this has happened (to my knowledge) but let’s just say that when I was 16 or so it resulted in a lot of people wanting to fight me all the time.

But again, that’ a story for another time.

In these kinds of situations, I’ve always been put in the position where I felt like I have had to apologize, and 9 out of 10 times I would.

But in reality, I probably wasn’t actually sorry.

I would say sorry to everyone reading this, but do you actually know if I’m sorry or not?

Let’s not waste each other’s time.

At the end of the day, I’m tired of being made to feel like I have to apologize for things that I’m not sorry for.

Because of this, I’ve been trying to make a point of not say I’m sorry unless the situation absolutely calls for it.

Instead, I’ve been trying to say thank you.

“Thank you for waiting for me.”

“Thank you for listening to me vent.”

“Thank you for listening to me for the last hour.”

“Thank you for not getting mad when I stole your shoes.”

This is by no means a unique idea, but I feel that it’s been making a serious difference in the ways in which I see my relationships with people.

Showing gratefulness for things instead of apologizing for something I don’t care about is allowing me to see the little great things that people are doing, rather than the not-so-great things that I’m doing. On the other hand, it’s also showcasing some of the relationships that aren’t as positive.

Which brings me to the other thing I’m not sorry about.

I am not, nor will I ever be sorry for removing people from my life that I feel are bad for me. 

I recently had friendship explained to me through the example of a bowl of marbles.

Essentially the analogy explains that each friend has a jar. For every little thing that a person does that is nice or helpful (i.e. helping you move, asking you how you’re doing, telling you when you look nice, etc.), they get marbles added to the jar. For every shitty thing that a person does (i.e. makes jokes at your expense, talks only about themselves, doesn’t show up for something, etc.), they loose marbles.

When a person has lots of marbles, they are a good friend and are worthy of keeping around. When a person is constantly losing marbles, or just doesn’t have many, to begin with, they may be someone you want to cut out of your life. This doesn’t mean that they can’t be marble friends again, it just means that right now they are not good for you.

It’s not an easy thing to do, or even to think about. For me, it made me think about relationships in ways that I never wanted to and made me admit to myself that I may have to lose people I really care about.

In the last couple of years, I’ve had to cut out a lot of people that weren’t marble friends. People that I cared about deeply, people who cared about me, and it’s been hard. I’ve been sad, I’ve been angry, and I’ve been super relieved.

But I’ve never been sorry.

I have and will continue to make myself the top priority.

This does not make me a bad friend, a bad person, or a bad partner.

If anything it makes me even more great than I already am.

I know, I didn’t think it was possible either.

If this offends you, there’s a little “x” in the top left corner of your screen. Go ahead and click that.

If it doesn’t, keep checking in throughout the week to see what else makes me such a fucking bitch.

 

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